One Foot in Front of the Other

St. Coca's 5km road race - June 24th 2011
Creative Commons License photo credit: Peter Mooney 

(FYI, that is not me in the picture)

According to my account on MapMyRun.com, I last went for a run on June 27. I ran a couple of times in May, a few times in March, and was actually training for a race in January before I somehow strained my left adductor.

Now it’s September. The weather is cooling down. My left adductor, while still slightly weak is so much better. My legs are awesomely strong thanks to my love of kettlebells and squats.

I want to start running again, but my brain is putting on the brakes. What if I’m slower than I used to be? What if I can’t walk tomorrow, and thus cannot swing bells again? The mental part of going for a run is much more challenging that the physical.

I need to just put one foot in front of the other and get my rear out the door.

(thanks to Sarah for encouraging me to lace my shoes up again)

Snapshot

Lots going on. New dishwasher. Lymphoma relapse with the dog. Here’s a convo I had with a friend today. I’m blessed to have her (and other close friends) in my life.

1:44 PM me: got a minute?

1:46 PM Friend: I do. What’s up?

1:47 PM me: i’m struggling with the concept of being completely over having a dog, while at the same time not wanting Lucky to die too soon/painfully/as a result of our choosing to discontinue treatment/from old age

1:48 PM quite the conundrum

Friend: Did you go back to the vet today or is that yet to come?

me: just saying/typing it makes me feel better though

1:49 PM talked to oncologist on phone thurs. took him in for another “let’s try to starve the cancer, but this isn’t chemo” elspar treatment Friday, and he goes back for re-eval/possible new chemo drug this friday

1:50 PM so…no real new news yet

1:51 PM Friend: I was actually talking about this sort of situation with some friends this weekend b/c one girls parents just lost a dog to kidney failure.

me: i feel like it’s a damned if I do, damned if I don’t situation

1:52 PM Friend: And they simply didn’t try to treat it at all because even though the treatment might have made Shandy feel better, the idea of taking her in for regular treatments that she wouldn’t understand was where they saw her quality of life failing. I think the stress of treatments even if they do make the animal feel physically better is not always taken into consideration.

me: i agree with that

1:54 PM i love lucky, but am ready to move on…

 …but also know that [husband] isn’t in the same place

 and that i may change my mind in 2 hours

Friend: It’s hard. It’s not unlike aging people. He’s not going to be the same Lucky..

me: you’re right. he’s close, but still not quite teh same

1:56 PM Friend: I don’t know how much of my opinion you want or you just want to vent…

1:57 PM me: unfortch, we’ve defined quaility of life as two things Labs excel at despite being sick/old: eagerness to eat and excitedness to see us

 i value your opinion. I wouldn’t have gone down this road if I didn’t want to know what you thought

1:58 PM Friend: I think you owe it to [husband] to do what you guys can. And he owes it to you to understand that what you can do with both of you there may be beyond you when he’s off [doing work stuff].

1:59 PM And it sounds like you may need to reevaluate how you measure quality of life. Animals are often good at masking things, but as they decline they become less so.

2:00 PM The oncologist might be able to tell you what indicators you should be looking for to gauge how he is doing. I would assume s/he’s got more experience with what you’re coming up to than you guys do, and s/he should be willing to share it.

2:01 PM me: he has and at our initial appointment, he stated that eagerness to eat and excitedness to see us are good QOL indicators and that they are problematic with labs in particular. i’ll make a note to ask him again on friday

2:02 PM thank you. i think [hubs] and I are both clinging to status quo (or at least trying to maintain) because we know how difficult the next 18 mos are going to be.

 this too, shall pass

2:03 PM ok. i should prolly get back to work.

 thank you again.

Friend: Yeah, that’s a lot of change coming up, but it’s all for the good in the long run. You’ll be ok.

 Any time, dear. Online or in person, I’m here 🙂

2:04 PM me: Thank you!!!

 chat with you soon