Lots going on. New dishwasher. Lymphoma relapse with the dog. Here’s a convo I had with a friend today. I’m blessed to have her (and other close friends) in my life.

1:44 PM me: got a minute?

1:46 PM Friend: I do. What’s up?

1:47 PM me: i’m struggling with the concept of being completely over having a dog, while at the same time not wanting Lucky to die too soon/painfully/as a result of our choosing to discontinue treatment/from old age

1:48 PM quite the conundrum

Friend: Did you go back to the vet today or is that yet to come?

me: just saying/typing it makes me feel better though

1:49 PM talked to oncologist on phone thurs. took him in for another “let’s try to starve the cancer, but this isn’t chemo” elspar treatment Friday, and he goes back for re-eval/possible new chemo drug this friday

1:50 PM so…no real new news yet

1:51 PM Friend: I was actually talking about this sort of situation with some friends this weekend b/c one girls parents just lost a dog to kidney failure.

me: i feel like it’s a damned if I do, damned if I don’t situation

1:52 PM Friend: And they simply didn’t try to treat it at all because even though the treatment might have made Shandy feel better, the idea of taking her in for regular treatments that she wouldn’t understand was where they saw her quality of life failing. I think the stress of treatments even if they do make the animal feel physically better is not always taken into consideration.

me: i agree with that

1:54 PM i love lucky, but am ready to move on…

 …but also know that [husband] isn’t in the same place

 and that i may change my mind in 2 hours

Friend: It’s hard. It’s not unlike aging people. He’s not going to be the same Lucky..

me: you’re right. he’s close, but still not quite teh same

1:56 PM Friend: I don’t know how much of my opinion you want or you just want to vent…

1:57 PM me: unfortch, we’ve defined quaility of life as two things Labs excel at despite being sick/old: eagerness to eat and excitedness to see us

 i value your opinion. I wouldn’t have gone down this road if I didn’t want to know what you thought

1:58 PM Friend: I think you owe it to [husband] to do what you guys can. And he owes it to you to understand that what you can do with both of you there may be beyond you when he’s off [doing work stuff].

1:59 PM And it sounds like you may need to reevaluate how you measure quality of life. Animals are often good at masking things, but as they decline they become less so.

2:00 PM The oncologist might be able to tell you what indicators you should be looking for to gauge how he is doing. I would assume s/he’s got more experience with what you’re coming up to than you guys do, and s/he should be willing to share it.

2:01 PM me: he has and at our initial appointment, he stated that eagerness to eat and excitedness to see us are good QOL indicators and that they are problematic with labs in particular. i’ll make a note to ask him again on friday

2:02 PM thank you. i think [hubs] and I are both clinging to status quo (or at least trying to maintain) because we know how difficult the next 18 mos are going to be.

 this too, shall pass

2:03 PM ok. i should prolly get back to work.

 thank you again.

Friend: Yeah, that’s a lot of change coming up, but it’s all for the good in the long run. You’ll be ok.

 Any time, dear. Online or in person, I’m here 🙂

2:04 PM me: Thank you!!!

 chat with you soon

Laugh. Live. Enjoy.

It’s been a trying summer.

Scratch that.

It’s been a trying year (thus far).

Three colds + bad allergies + injured leg + getting laid off from work + getting new job + graduate school + part time job stuff + Lucky’s lymphoma = climbing anxiety levels for me.

I don’t like talking about my history of depression and anxiety online. It’s a part of myself I share freely in person (and I’m sure my friends would sometimes like to bonk me over the head when I get wound up), but I don’t like talking about it here. At this point though, I have to write about it to get past it.

I’ve spent the last three weeks just trying to get through my days. Getting up. Going to work. Going to the gym. Eating healthy foods. Counting down the hours until I can crawl back into bed. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

This is the worst bout of it I’ve experienced in three years.

I’m thankful that school is over for the summer and that husband is incredibly supportive and understanding. I’m thankful for friends who understand as well. I’m thankful I discovered the inane stupidity of The Office on Netflix. I’m thankful today’s weather was beautiful and has allowed me to sit on the patio.

Most of the things I had planned for this summer are being cut. I’m probably not going to take up kayaking again until next summer. We canceled our vacation to Seattle. My plans to build and launch an informational/training site for admins is being revised. My plan to write some long blog postings for my portfolio site hasn’t materialized. My plan to establish an S corp for my part time job work hasn’t happened yet either. I’m trying really hard not to beat myself up over these items. There are only so many hours in a day and for years I’ve trying to cram too much into them.

The summer isn’t over yet. I do plan to enjoy the nice days. Hang out with Lucky. Go to the pool. Go see some movies. Have brunch with my friends. Spend time with husband. Laugh. Live. Enjoy.

So…my blog posting about depression and anxiety isn’t and is about depression and anxiety. This post will probably make sense only to me and maybe a few other people who are close to me in real life.

That’s ok. I just need to breathe and remind myself of the good things in life. This too, shall pass.

Thanks for indulging me.

Three Things Thursday

Lists are about the only thing I can handle now. My brain is pretty full…only a few more weeks left of this semester…

  1. The front right passenger door of my almost brand new car won’t open. I’m irritated. The dealer–whose customer service closed the sale with us in December–is poised on the edge of a huge customer service misstep with me. I have an appointment on Saturday to get it checked out. We’ll see how this goes…
  2. Speaking of Saturday…I’m attending a “potluck” with the girls that evening. I’m excited. It’s been too long since we have all been in the same room.
  3. I need to start exercising again. I’m not sleeping as well as I would like and my leg is still bothering me. I’m still working on my plan, but fear I’m using the plan creation to delay getting back into a routine.