The Record Player in My Head

212/365 – Don’t cry princess, it was only a dream.

I generally do not have problems sleeping. All my life, I’ve slept like a rock. My father loves to tell the story of him walking into my room when I was about 4 years old and he repeatedly picked my hand up, straightened my arm, and then let it go. I didn’t wake up. Like.A.Rock.

On those rare (and I do mean rare) occasions that I cannot sleep, I worry that I’ve made the wrong choices in my life. Did I take the right job? Did I study the right things in college? Should I have not bit my tongue when a friend seemed be looking for advice, but didn’t outright ask for it?

I console myself with this quote from Soren Kierkegaard:

“I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations – one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it – you will regret both.”

I have to just keep living. If I spend too much time worrying, I don’t actually do anything. Reflect and just keep moving forward.

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Words to Live By

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” – ee cummings

My mother shared this quote with me several year ago during my multi-year quarter life crisis.

At the time, I believed that the people in my life expected me to act a certain way. I believed that it is far easier in the short-term to be that person that others wanted me to be. We are all sons, daughters, wives, husbands, brothers, and sisters. After much soul-searching and many conversations, I realized that I was wrong.

I was the only one holding me back. Trying to mold myself to others’ expectations was going to tear me apart (never mind that most people didn’t have expectations of me to begin with). I needed to acknowledge that I can be the rocker chic, the corporate girl, the outdoorsy hippie, and more ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

I reference these words every day and muster my courage to live a full life.

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What I Lost and What I Found

life is a question of choice

I lost my way.

Rather, I spent years having the quarter-life crisis that many people in their twenties have. I married young, moved away from my family, tried to plan everything, and then panicked when I ended up with a life that didn’t match the picture in my head.

I’m better now. I have a stronger sense of who I am, but now I recognize that life, and my sense of self, is fluid. You cannot plan everything.

Life is a series of choices.

I chose to get married.

I chose to move away.

I chose jobs that weren’t the best fits.

I chose to leave those jobs.

I chose to stay married.

I chose to start grad school.

I chose to start, maintain, or end friendships.

I can always choose something different. I’ve learned, however, that it is easier to choose wisely instead of choosing to move in the completely opposite direction.